Earth Blood is Easy
by Emily June
Ebook ISBN: B00XX5PM4I
Print ISBN: 978-1512310818
[ SciFi Romantic Comedy, MF ]
Alexxia’s stranded on Planet Earth without a blood source! When she meets a mysterious club owner, will she become too entranced by Earth’s underground vampire culture to leave?
Alexxia slammed the filing cabinet closed with her butt. “Quittin’ time! You can eat my dust, suckers! While you’re trudging to work on Monday, I’ll be away-way on my vacay! Woo-hoo!”
Not one of her frizzy, frazzled coworkers looked up from their dreary desks. The boss, Prudish Prendra, was the only person to respond, though she did so with a suffering smile. “Anxious to get away from the office, are you, Alexxia?”
“Anxious to get away from the planet, more like!” Alexxia leaned over her desk to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror pinned to her cubicle wall. As her perfectly curled blond locks swooped across her light brown shoulders, she applied a fresh coat of pink lipstick. Pucker. Mwah! “Hey, get this, Pren: my friend Metsis is spending her holiday on Earth. Earth! Can you believe it?”
Somebody from across the office shushed her, and she whipped around, but she couldn’t make out who it was. “Who just shushed me? Show your face, nimbus!”
If they weren’t willing to look her in the eye and tell her to shut her mouth, they’d just have to suffer the sound of her voice.
“Did you hear what I said before? My friend Metsis is going to Earth. And it isn’t even her first time! She actually likes it there. I mean, honestly!”
“I’ve heard good things about Earth,” Prendra said. “Blue oceans, peaceful people, colourful wildlife…”
Alexxia rolled her eyes and picked up her purse. “Okay, Grandma. You have fun studying migratory humans. I’ll be livin’ it up on the beach, boozing with the boys on Planet Plai!”
Prendra offered a smile that looked notably forced. “Enjoy your time away, Alexxia. We’ll see you when you get back.”
“K, bye then.” Alexxia whipped around and let her four-inch white spiked heels guide her toward the mirrored elevators. The first one to arrive was crammed to the rafters with office workers. Those with prehensile tails were kind enough to hang from the ceiling, but the ones standing on the floor squished over to one side when they saw it was her coming.
“You guys are so sweet!” Shuffling on board, Alexxia adjusted her tight pink skirt. “Look at all this room you’re making for me. I’m sure gonna miss you guys when I’m on vacation.”
One of the old suits from the seventeenth floor stammered, “You’re, uhh… you’re going away?”
Alexxia nodded, letting her blonde curls bob against her low-cut top. “Two weeks, starting today.”
“Are you going f… f… far?”
“Yep.” She swivelled around and tossed her hair back with a flamboyant flick of the wrist. “Takin’ my vacay on Planet Plai-Plai!”
“Where is that?” someone whispered from the back of the lacklustre bunch.
Somebody else said, “Who cares? She said it’s far!”
“I know, right?” Alexxia clapped her hands excitedly. “This is gonna be my best vacation ever! And the jammin’est part is that I won’t have to set foot in this place for two whole weeks!”
As the elevator dinged at ground level, her entire audience burst out in applause.
“Aww, you guys!” She swept out, ahead of the crowd, waggling her hips from side to side as she wove a path toward the glass entryway. With a smile, she said to herself, “What a bunch of sweeties.”
Her flat was just up the street, but she hailed a taxi anyway. Sure, her Xambax heels were jaw-droppingly gorgeous, and they isolated her calf muscles like nobody’s business, but ouch did they ever pinch!
“Skylaunch Towers,” she told the cabbie.
“Skylaunch Towers…” he repeated, like he’d never heard those two words together in a sentence.
Alexxia snapped her teeth. How dare the gelatinous glob of goo be unfamiliar with one of the most prestigious buildings in the city? “It’s just up the road,” she told him, attempting to sound exhausted by his stupidity. “Five lights up. You want the address?”
“No, no—I know Skylaunch Towers.” Skeelanch. That’s how he pronounced it—Skeelanch Teewahs. “I was just reading something… an article in The Daily Yeoman. What was it about? Oh yeah, about how there’s this space module launch site right on the roof.”
“Well, guh! Why do you think they called it Skylaunch Towers?”
Alexxia slid back in the slick seat, feeling something pop open under her bare thigh. For a moment, she thought the seat had burst its seams, except whatever she’d sat on felt… eww… it felt slimy! With a squeal, she arched her thigh off the seat and found three flattened French fries stuck to her leg.
“Eaaarth!” she growled.
The driver asked, “What’s that?” Whazzat?
“I’ve got French fries stuck to my leg!”
Without offering an apology, the cabbie said, “Well, whazzat got to do with Earth?” And he asked in a bit of a gruff voice for someone who made a living on tips.
“It’s Earth food—fries.” Why was he having so much trouble comprehending? “I don’t understand the fascination with that place. Honestly, can’t people just eat their burgers on vacation? Why do they have to import this rotten stuff to Circe?”
In a tone that was unmistakeably brusque, the driver said, “Ain’t nothing wrong with bringing things from Earth. Hell, I brought my wife from Earth!”
“You’re kidding me.” Distractedly, Alexxia peeled fries from her leg, then tossed them on the floor of the taxi. “No offense, but what would a human woman see in an intergalactic glob?”
“Oh, she ain’t no human.” The driver laughed in a way that sounded like a clogged bathtub struggling to drain. “No, she’s a lump of green mould.”
“Hello!” said a squeaky voice from under the driver’s seat. The wife-mould had found those fries already. “If you’re not going to eat these…?”
“They’re all yours.” Alexxia tried to look casual as she waved her hand in front of her face. Yeesh, that mould packed a punch!
As the driver pulled up to her building, he asked, “Tell me quick—you ever used it?”
“Huhn?” She whisked a wad of cash from her purse and dropped it on the seat beside him. “Have I used what?”
“The space pad. The launch pad… on your roof?”
“Oh.” Alexxia tossed her legs to the side when her building’s doorman opened the hatch. “As a matter of fact, I’ll be using it tonight.”
“Not going to Earth, I guess?” the mould wife asked from her pile of fries.
Alexxia chuckled. “Not if I can help it.”
As she slipped out of the taxi, her driver said, “Hey, you didn’t pay me enough.”
“Hey,” she replied. “Those fries ruined my skirt!”
When she entered her sunny, modern flat, Alexxia breathed in the perfumed scent left on the air by the maid’s cleaning products. She’d packed her bags two weeks ago and unpacked them, and packed them again three times since. There was nothing to do but wait in giddy anticipation of launch time.
Her heels click-clacked against the kitchen floor as she crossed to the fridge. Pulling out an open bottle, she held it up to the light. Through the green glass, she could just make out the line where liquid gave way to air. Less than a full glass left, but no sense opening a new bottle when she’d be away for two weeks.
Popping the cork, she took a quick sniff. Oh, that sacred nectar! Her heart raced and her lips swelled. An anticipatory flush took hold of her skin as she grabbed a clean goblet and drained the bottle’s contents. That first sip was always the best, so she made herself wait.
In the sunroom, Alexxia took her favourite chair, put her feet up on one of her smaller suitcases, and savoured the day’s first sip of blood.