Finless by Davee Jones

Note: Prologue omitted.

The Transformation Begins

Squeeeeeze, tighter, tighter, colors dance behind Sarah’s eyes. Blue, purple, and pink dots dance and tease her consciousness. She opens her eyes for that split second, to see those ice blue eyes drilling a determined and powerful gaze into her helpless face. Blue eyes turn to black, and all light begins to fade…is that evil taking over?

* * * *

The Life of Sarah Cristof

Sarah did not believe she began life equating pain with pleasure. The formative years usually give way to the natural progression of pleasure begetting pleasure. However, along that path, sometimes something deviant occurs. Intentionally disobeying as a child invokes spanking, in turn invoking…pleasure?

How could this be? She was a quiet, yet well-behaved child who rarely received corporal punishment.

Remembering back to a simple time and place where happiness was no more than a cold slice of watermelon or an RC cola dashed with peanuts. Running barefoot through the pasture, mindful of the stobs that would poke holes in the soles of even the toughest of farm girl feet. The only concern Sarah had was whether or not her imaginary friend, Sally, would play with her that day. Because she ultimately controlled Sally’s actions, she knew she would have her way of a playmate for the day.

Sarah spent a lot of time alone or with the grown-ups because farm life did not normally lend itself to the neighborhood social activities of the kids next door. The closest neighbors lived a few miles away, limiting play date interaction. In a way, the degree of loneliness she felt became a strange comfort. Therefore, Sarah never felt conventionally lonely, although realistically very physically alone. She learned to rely on herself for most everything.

Sarah attended church on occasion at the local “brimstone and fire” congregation in her small town. She always felt judged and small as if she did not belong there when she entered the church. It was rare that she left feeling good about herself, much less feeling the grace of the Lord. She also attended vacation Bible school for a week during the summer. The crafts, social time, and snack fit in nicely with the scripture lessons.

In addition, this small Bible belt town hosted a special guest- the “Bible Lady” visited the school a couple of times per year. The quiet, sincere lady had kind words and prizes for those students who memorized specific Bible verses. Sarah learned a few verses, won pencils and other knick-knacks and felt very proud of herself. She just never really embraced what religion really meant and how this could be important to her later in life. It just seemed that in the setting she lived in, the church teemed with gossip, criticism, and judgment of one another, followed by accusatory whispers.

One Sunday morning, because she had stayed the night with a friend, she had to attend a church she had never been to before with her friend’s family. Sarah almost paid little mind to the sermon until this loud, critical-yet-charismatic preacher began demanding loyalty for God from his congregation- all the while yelling that no other church besides his would be joining him in the Kingdom of Heaven. This greatly confused a nine-year-old Sarah because she normally attended a Baptist church-not this one. Did this mean she was doomed to hell?

For a moment, fear gripped her young soul. However, her distress quickly turned to anger that this man dared to condemn her immortality, and those of her friends and family. She wanted to exert what little independence she had to get up and walk out. Knowing she did not want to cause problems with her friend’s family, she instead decided to ignore every further word this man barked to his followers. Fortunately, she never returned to this particular congregation, but she attended church enough other places throughout her life to place a great importance on the premise of Heaven and Hell and the Ten Commandments. She did not want to eternally burn in the flames of hell, yet, she did not really understand what the Lord meant to anyone.

As she grew older, she had moments of drifting away and embracing more secular activities. She began to feel like God did not love her anyway. She had failed Him in so many ways. She was just a big Christian wanna-be disappointment who would never fit in with the Bible thumping crowd she grew up around. According to what Sarah understood from the religious leaders around her, she was not worthy to grace the Lord’s feet, much less the Kingdom of Heaven, so should she even really try? The importance of spirituality escaped her, and she began to cling instead to the people around her she could actually touch and see. So began her descent into distrust.

Sarah’s aunt, Michelle, recalled the time when her father separated from her mother. Michelle said she walked up to Sarah’s parent’s house and Sarah was sitting on the steps of the front porch. Sarah was crying and Michelle wanted to know what was wrong. “My daddy left and did not even tell me good-bye!” blurted through Sarah’s tears. She would grow up only seeing her father occasionally.

Before he moved away on one occasion, daddy left a door unlocked on the upstairs balcony and in Sarah’s early stages of mobility, crawled right out the door and….off the balcony. Imagine the fear in a six-month-old heart as the floor is gone, momma’s arms are nowhere, and with arms flailing reflexively, she smashed into the ground. The physical trauma of the broken nose, busted mouth palette, and various scrapes and bruises were no match to the mental trauma, which would be lifelong.

She physically survived.

Even as an infant, the experience molded Sarah to become accustomed to disappointment, abandonment, and disregard.

Sarah subconsciously chose to distance her emotions from anyone who may penetrate her defenses and alter the outcome of her firmly held beliefs. However, because she had such loving grandparents, siblings, extended family, and friends, she did not outwardly appear depressed, anxious, or angry. She smiled, laughed, picked hot peaches off the July trees, and reveled in growing up simplistically on the farm. Peach juice ran unnoticed down her chin in awkward messy streaks…

The teenage years proved more challenging: The need to look good, be popular, and be the most beautiful girl in class—nah, not for Sarah. A wallflower-skinny, awkward, quiet, plain looks, Sarah emerged anonymously. She developed the reputation as one of the friendliest, most dependable girls in the school. A former boyfriend once said, “one of the three straightest girls in the class.” He probably saw her strong spirit and morality as a challenge.

Physical abuse is something publicized as wild violence, guns blazing, fists flying, children crying, beds on fire. A fifteen-year-old girl encounters abuse differently at the hands of a companion, the scenarios were vastly different but just as traumatizing. All the incidents calculated to leave no visible marks, hidden pinches left bruises in areas hidden by Sarah’s clothes. Tormenting phone calls until the wee hours of the morning, taunting, goading, demoralizing conversations of which she believed she had no escape. She had to listen to the evil, and the accompanying laughter. Trapped in the nightmare of her existence, she spiraled into despair.

Being spit upon became a routine activity. She learned to respond to hideous names, chosen specifically for how dirty and inhumane they made her feel. The sex she felt she had to provide, if only to appease the beast within him for a short while. The endless torments haunted her. She feared him and felt she had no way out. She never even told her family.

In one instance, he choked her, picked her up by the neck, and held her up against the wall. His eyes flashing anger, hate, and violence as he only wanted to make Sarah suffer. His mother walked in, and she felt only a brief moment of rescue. Then, he yelled, “get out or I will do the same fucking thing to you!” Therefore, she turned and left Sarah, speechless, to hang. She still does not remember why he finally let her go, or how she got out of the house. The only thing she remembers is her silent determination that she would kill someone before she went through that kind of Hell again.

* * * *

Reckless

The college experience challenged Sarah’s morality. Pressured by people who wanted to exploit her for her good looks, she gave in to lust, alcohol, cliques, and the desire to be whatever everyone else wanted her to be. Trapped inside this spinning existence, she lost the desire to be a quality person. Eventually she became fat, careless, and shameless.

Parties became the prime outlet. Academics quickly became back seat to the social calendar. However, Sarah never had shameful grades. She completed homework assignments on time and she attended class even with the tremors of a hangover. Sarah knew that the only thing she truly controlled were her grades. They totally and completely belonged to her, and be damned if she would fail!

The level of partying became dizzying and dangerous. As exampled in one morning when she awakened—naked—and angry because she thought she missed one smokin’ party the night before. However, as the daylight settled into her swollen eyes, recollection settled in and she realized that, in fact, she certainly attended there. She could only hope she had not been the main entertainment.

Another time, Sarah began her night of partying with friends upset and distraught. So distressed that she downed a pint of tequila in short order. Her last cognizant thought was of struggling to sit upright in a chair as her friends planned the evening bar run. The next thought Sarah had was of being shaken awake, only half dressed, in some foreign bed. The worthless piece of shit guy had the audacity to continually repeat, “We didn’t do anything, we didn’t do anything!”, even as the fog refused to lift from her sight. She drove home in this daze, still unable to fathom what occurred following sitting in that chair. When she arrived home, she was shocked to see the clock read four pm. Sarah passed out around Midnight the night before, therefore, luckily and by the grace of God, she awakened after seventeen hours of deep alcohol poisoned induced slumber.

Sarah did not remain unscathed from the event. Although God definitely watched over her that night, she failed to realize at the time just how intensely that situation changed her. The Lord protected her, even if she did not deem herself worthy, yet she still faced dire consequences. Traumatic as it was, even that experience paled to the worst thing that happened to her during this time period. There was something so dark that she refused to think about it-could not think about it. To this day, the “friend” who raped her as she lie unknowing and blacked out did not disgust her as much as her own selfish decisions would.

As the time neared for graduation, Sarah quickly evaluated her situation. She knew she had some difficult classes remaining in her coursework and her GPA would surely suffer the consequences of her negligence. Sarah curtailed the parties, focused on the academics, and said good-bye to the precarious lifestyle.

Sarah graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in Architectural Design and an impressive 3.9 GPA. She happily accepted that accomplishment. However, academics were the only success she could own, she still had not earned a 3.9 GPA in living a successful life. Unfortunately and unbeknownst to her, she hid behind disillusions and alarm.

With the demands of college and the social pressures behind her, Sarah began a new challenge of self-improvement. She found the element of needing something to control overwhelming. She moved to a larger city to begin again anonymously, working for a temporary agency. She found her niche at a fitness center and through her diligence, dropped the excess weight. Knowing she controlled the outcome of her workouts and diet regimen gave her the comfort of stability in the unknown world of career hunting.

However, Sarah failed to recognize her own natural beauty or the exceptional physique she worked so hard for. She remained humble, almost meek, and her self-esteem continued to suffer.

Sarah finally obtained employment in a fledgling architectural firm. A handful of powerful, young motivated designers banded together, with the assistance of family money, to create what they arrogantly believed would be the next Fortune 500 Dream Team. They would create masterful ingenious works of structural awe. No one would stop or top them. Sarah began entry-level as an administrative assistant. Her impressive GPA and classy, innovative, and original designs impressed the Dream Team minimally. They refused to acknowledge her talents as anything more than a beauty to fetch the coffee and mail. They paid Sarah quite well, so she did not complain. Many of Sarah’s friends found such difficulty in the job market as new graduates that she remained simply grateful for the opportunity. She hoped beginning on the ground floor would be the perfect stepping stone to exceeding their expectations of her.

The Dream Team saw something else in Sarah. Long flowing hair the color of warm caramel, liquid sage green eyes, full natural breasts with black cherry colored nipples, athletic legs, and a taut shapely derriere that captured every eye as she walked by. A real classic beauty, the type thought beautiful by men and women. Women, intimidated by her natural beauty, enjoyed her company because of her genuine friendly charm. Men felt Sarah was approachable and, in turn, conquerable, by her innocent sexiness and pleasing warmth.

Sarah remained oblivious to their subtle hints.

Initially, no one on the Dream Team paid Sarah more mind than the occasional quick hungry gaze, or to make sure their files were in order. Each of the members of the Dream Team had an agenda, like a pack of fickle jackals. Although working together out of necessity, each one continued silently cunning for their personal opportunity for success.

Managing partners had a private office and their own personal assistant. The offices were cold, slate gray man-caves with a half bath and a full bar stocked with personal preferences out of their personal paychecks. A large comfortable sitting area, complete with leather couch and tables was included, as this encouraged more late night work activities. Many would simply sleep in their offices to stay one-step ahead of the demanding client base. Although this was a fledgling firm, they spared no expense ensuring the success of the ones who would ultimately make this the most successful firm in the city.

However, one of the pack, a slick, handsome jackal named Nathaniel, not Nate—mind you, became quietly aware of all of Sarah’s amazing qualities, and wanted to rule her, own her, control her, and dominate her. Quiet and brilliant, Nathaniel kept mostly to himself in his office. Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, Nathaniel preferred the world of fantasy where he could meld and design the fates of those who intrigued him.

His unwanted fascination with Sarah troubled Nathaniel. He worked diligently to mask the growing heat he felt when she brushed past smelling of tropical fruits and an ocean breeze. He wanted to devour her on the spot, and would retire more than once a day to the privacy of his office to masturbate to graphic images in his mind of Sarah under his complete control.

He had to own her.

Nathaniel was as incapable of expressing love as Sarah loathed receiving love. He was callous, calculating, and selfish. She was vulnerable, caring, and giving, yet withdrawn. Nathaniel delighted in the fact that he felt in complete control of his human condition, not at all claiming any sentimentality or empathy.

* * * *

I will own you.

Simple words typed in simple text in a short and untitled email. However, the smiley face typed at the end of the quotations eased the discomfort of such disturbing words. Sarah worked around the male population long enough to know that what they find funny and entertaining generally lacked much couth. Therefore, she replied teasingly, “I cost too much.”

To which Nathaniel electronically informed Sarah that she would now be his personal assistant and answering to his every working beck and call, and they would be taking on tremendous projects in the near future. He wanted to make sure she was aware what was ahead of them, at least partially aware of all that he held in his future plans for Sarah.

Sarah lived alone and actually began to look forward to something to fill her increasingly lonely personal existence. Even if it was work related, it would take her mind off the true emptiness she felt growing in her core. She knew sometimes the projects involved travel and she began to daydream about jetting off to dazzling cities for the sake of multi-million dollar business ventures. She really thought this feeling of importance would reduce the growing sadness behind her outward expressions, for a while at least.

However, she did not realize at the time, her decision to ignore the strength of his first bold statement would prove instrumental in changing her life. Rather than request a cessation of such flirtatious activity, she only fueled Nathaniel’s arrogance and assurance that he was now, in fact, halfway to meeting his personal goal with Sarah. He would conquer her fragile psyche and make her solely for his bidding. Intelligent, yet, intimidated by the world, he would take full advantage of Sarah’s naiveté. He felt invincible, and that could prove dangerous to anyone he desired.

Sarah was about to enter the mysterious world known simply to some as “The Lifestyle.”