Stripping Christmas by Zenobia Renquist

A red limo. Not just any red, Christmas red. Very appropriate for the season. The man standing beside the limo wore a green chauffeur’s suit with an Elf hat and pointed ears to finish off the look. If he were three feet shorter, he would have been perfect for the motif.

He caught sight of her staring at him and bowed. “Miss Alexanna Laurel Ford?”

She nodded. “That’s me.”

“I am Noël, miss. I have come to retrieve you.” He opened the door as he held out his hand to her.

Alex let him guide her forward into the limo. She’d never had anyone hand her into a car before. It was a novel experience. She pulled her long coat in after her and got comfortable.

“Ready, miss?”

“Yes.”

Noël closed the door gently, went to the driver’s seat and guided the limo onto the highway.

Alex asked, “How far are we going?”

“The North Pole, miss.”

“Cute. Now where are we really going?”

Noël glanced over his shoulder at her quickly. “I… I’m not sure what you mean, miss. I have answered your question.”

“Okay.” She settled back, prepared to play along. She had her cell phone with built in GPS and personal locater if this job turned sour. Her little purse also had a mini baton and a very sharp metal nail file. She hoped she wouldn’t need any of that but was happy she had them.

They only drove for twenty minutes before Noël stopped the limo in front of a grand hotel that could only be described as a winter palace. It had to be at least ten floors of white brick that glistened in the setting sunlight. Something else that was very appropriate for the season.

She didn’t remember there being any hotels like this in her area, though. Before she could open the door to get a better look around, Noël opened it for her and offered his hand. She took it and stepped out into snow.

Snow?

Snow crunched under her shoes. The walkway where she stood had been recently swept, but the lightly falling snow had started covering it again. Around her as far as she could see was a vast snowfield. She looked around for buildings of some kind and saw nothing.

A faint twinkling made her look up. She stared with wide eyes at the shimmering Aurora Borealis. “No way,” she whispered.

Noël bowed to her and said, “Welcome to the North Pole, miss.” He led her through the large double doors of the winter palace to a grand foyer where ten women dressed in green maid outfits waited. Like Noël, each of the women had pointed ears. Gesturing to the ladies, Noël said, “These ladies will be your maids. They will help you dress for the evening.”

“Okay.” Alex didn’t know what they were putting her in that she had to have help getting it on, but she was willing to continue playing along.

Three hours later, Alex stood in front of a mirror, staring. She barely recognized herself. Her microbraids had been put into an up-do with a few braid strands pulled free to frame her face in spiral curls. A thin, silver circlet around her head held a dangling ruby that between her light brown eyes. Matching teardrop rubies graced her ears.

The kicker was the wedding dress. That was the only word to describe it. It had a halter-style top with a flowing skirt that brushed the floor. The dress was all white, like a wedding dress, except for the red trim lining the neckline of the halter and the red lace border trimming the hem of the skirt, which trailed two feet behind her.

She wore red slippers but couldn’t see them in the mirror. What she could see almost brought tears to her eyes. She had never worn such a beautiful dress before. And she didn’t normally like wearing white. It made her dark complexion look ashen. This dress, however, made her brown skin look like it was glowing.

One of the maids walked up behind Alex and held out a large, cascading bouquet of red and white poinsettias. “It’s time, miss.”

Alex followed the maid to the door where Noël waited for her. He offered her his arm and took her down in the elevator to the second floor. They exited to the melodic sound of a piano playing Carol of the Bells.

Everyone in the large room faced the elevator. Alex knew she had to look spooked, but she couldn’t help it. This really looked and felt like a wedding. This was a bit much of a production for a night’s entertainment. She’d heard of a few of the other girls having weird clients, but never someone doing a mock wedding.

Noël walked her down the aisle toward the man who awaited her at the altar. He stood there alone, though. There was no best man or priest. At least they wouldn’t take this make believe wedding too far.

That helped Alex relax, and she smiled. It wasn’t that hard to smile, considering every step took her closer to a very handsome man. He must be her patron. He stood tall and serious, waiting for her.

His platinum blonde hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail. Since he stood sideways with his face turned toward her, Alex could see the ponytail reached past his shoulders. Like the others, he had long, pointed ears. Unlike the others, his ears extended higher, almost to the top of his head. It was a very dramatic effect.

His toned body was dressed in a full-length red Mandarin collar tuxedo. The jacket of the tuxedo brushed the tops of his knees and was left open, revealing his white vest and shirt. Red slacks and shiny black shoes finished the look.

As she drew closer, Alex saw more details of her eccentric patron. His chin sported a thin platinum goatee that traced up the edges of his jawline, and his eyes were a stunning shade of true blue.

Noël stopped one step away from the man, who stood a full head taller than Alex. She smiled up at him. Noël took Alex’s hand from his elbow and held it out to the man at the altar.

The man said as he took her hand, “I am Kristijonasario. I bid you welcome to my home, Alexanna.”

“Call me Alex, Kristi… uh…”

He smiled. “Please, call me Kris.” He kissed her hand. “I am happy to finally meet you.”

“You too.”

Noël whispered, “Miss.”

Alex stopped staring at Kris long enough to look at Noël. He had his hand held out. He gestured to her bouquet.

“Oh.” She handed it to him with a whispered thanks, then turned her attention back to Kris, who took her free hand in his as he faced her fully.

The piano player stopped and all was silence. Alex waited to see what would happen next. She was enjoying this production.

Kris looked over the gathered crowd and said in a loud, clear voice, “I, Kristijonasario, son of Krisaelajahilan, head of the House of Kringle, and heir to the mantle of Santa Claus do accept Alexanna Laurel Ford.” He looked down at her. “Do you accept me?”

Alex nodded. “Very much so.” She laughed a little. “I don’t have to say your name, do I? I’m not sure I can pull it off without seeing it spelled out phonetically.”

“No. It is enough that you say the words. Say you accept me.”

“I accept you.”

A warm, glowing feeling spread over Alex. She shivered at the sensation but paid it little mind as Kris lowered his mouth to hers. Who cared if he was an eccentric nut? He was a hot eccentric nut.

Even though the kiss was a simple pressing of lips, Alex felt herself getting all hot and bothered. She normally wouldn’t let a client touch her — that was against the rules — but she was willing to make an exception. In fact, she wanted the kiss to be deeper.

Kris pulled back and smiled down at her.

Alex smiled back. “Damn.”

Several people in the room gasped loudly. Shocked gasps. Even Kris. He stumbled back, tripped over his own feet and fell on his ass, looking at her with an expression of horror.

Alex asked quickly, “What? What?” She looked behind her, thinking she would see a murderer with a knife prepared to stab her in the back. There was nothing there. She looked back at Kris. “What the hell is your problem?”

More people gasped.

Kris took several deep breaths before he said, “You swear.”

“Every damn day.”

He flinched. His ears even drooped. “You are… you cannot… A pure heart would never use such language. The wife of the head of House Kringle should not use such language.” He got to his feet and confronted her with a dark look.

Alex snapped, “What wife? What the hell are you talking about?”

“You said you accept me.”

“Yeah. And?”

“That is marriage.”

“No, it isn’t. Marriage is a holy man or a justice of the peace and a piece of legal paper. This is a little make believe to get you in the mood of the season before I start stripping.” She looked over the crowd. “I wasn’t expecting such a large audience.” She shrugged. “Just means more tips, I guess.”

“Stripping?”

“Yes. Strippers tend to strip.” She looked down at her dress. “Though I’m going to need some help getting out of this dress.”

Several women in the crowd fell to the ground in faints. Alex didn’t know what their issue was.

Kris grabbed her hand and dragged her to an adjoining room. He slammed the door after she had entered and confronted her. “Explain yourself.”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“You are Alexanna Laurel Ford, are you not?”

“Yes. Why?”

Kris shook his head hard. “This cannot be. The website said you were a nice girl of a giving nature. It is the reason I chose you as my bride.”

“I’m not your bride, buddy. Stop saying that.”

“You agreed. Before witnesses, you agreed. The power of matrimony has bound us.”

Alex wasn’t going to get anywhere arguing about the marriage thing. She tried a different tactic. “What website?”

Kris walked over to a large desk. Alex followed him. Kris pulled up the website in question and gestured to it. “It seemed the perfect place to find my bride after searching this past year to no avail.”

Alex rolled her eyes at the title of the site — Finding Your Perfect Mrs. Claus. It was her boss’s idea of getting into the holiday spirit. She said, “Show me what you clicked on to get to me.”

The page had two buttons — one said Naughty and the other said Nice. Naughty referred to strippers who did full nudity, while Nice referred to strippers who went down to a string bikini.

Kris clicked the Nice button, which led to a page of pictures. Alex’s picture was the last on the page. Kris said, “I looked through all of the girls and found you the most desirable as my wife.” He clicked on her picture and loaded a page featuring stats about Alex — age, height, weight, likes, etc — and a vid of Alex wearing a Mrs. Claus ball gown while handing out presents to a room full of happy men.

Gesturing to the vid, Kris said, “You are a bringer of joy. Looking at this video confirmed you would be my perfect wife. I paid the dowry and here you are.”

Alex snorted. “Dowry, huh?” He had to mean the private party fee to have her strip on location.

“It was a small sum, but I paid it gladly.”

“Did you click on the button that says more?” She pointed to the bottom right of the screen.

Kris clicked the button. Another page loaded, showing the second half of the vid that had started on the previous page. It showed Alex ripping open her Mrs. Claus breakaway dress to the hooting and hollering of the men who had just gotten her presents. She danced on and around a pole while men stuffed money down her bra and panties.

Alex watched as Kris turned pale and his ears drooped until they were almost folded in half. His look of horror returned.

“What… what are you doing? This is naughty. This is extremely naughty. No wife of the House of Kringle should do such things as this.”

“Next time click the more button,” Alex said with a shrug. “Look, Kris. It’s no big if you don’t want me here. I’ll talk to my boss and get your money back. We can chalk this up to a fun mistake and go about our lives. Just tell Noël to bring the car around and take me home.”

“You cannot go home.”

“The hell I can’t. You take me home right now, or I’ll kick your ass.”

Kris said in a resigned voice, “You are my wife.”

“Oh, don’t start that again. Playtime is over, Kris.”

He stared at her for a long while before he stood. “Alex, I am not playing. You are my wife. We shared vows, and those vows are binding forever. No other can be my wife now that I am wed to you.” He bowed his head with a forlorn sigh. “The House of Kringle will suffer because of my folly. I had hoped for a pure and virtuous wife whose love of Christmas and giving nature would re-energize the power of the House of Kringle, thus raising us up to our former glory. That dream has left me now. I have failed. In my failure, I have also doomed my house.”

Alex rolled her eyes. “House of Kringle. Kris Kringle. Oh ha ha. You really expect me to believe that you’re Santa?”

“I will be once we consummate our marriage. I cannot don the mantle of Santa Claus until I am properly wed.”

“Now you want us to have sex.” Alex backed up a step. “I didn’t sign on for this.”

“Why will you not believe my words?”

“Because you’re full of shit.”

Kris flinched back as though she had hit him. “Please. That language.”

“It doesn’t matter how I say it. The meaning is the same. You need to come out of this delusion and…” Alex’s words choked to a stop when Kris started changing.

Not his clothes, his entire body. Before her eyes, he turned into the jolly fat man she had come to know as Santa Claus. She could still see Kris’s features, but he had put on a few hundred pounds and now had a full, long beard.

Alex stumbled back onto the chair Kris had vacated as she stared at him.

Kris said, “This is a Fey glamour that I will wear once I claim my power as Santa Claus. At that time it will come easier. For now, I can only hold this visage for a short time so long as I concentrate.”

“Fey?”

“Sometimes you humans call us Elves or Fairies. All are names for species inhabiting the Seelie court to which the House of Kringle belongs. My house has ever held the power and spirit of Christmas. Each generation is charged to take a human wife to strengthen that power and bring us closer to those who believe in our power.”

“Okay.”

Kris sighed. His body deflated with that exhaled breath, returning him to normal.

“You’re a Fairy.”

“Fey.” He gestured to his ears. “Those like Noël with pointed, human-sized ears are Elves. Those who are shorter in stature are Fairies. Some have wings and some do not.”

“Sure. Fey. Sorry.”

He nodded.

“And I’m your wife.”

“Yes.”

“And there’s no way to annul this marriage so you can find a better candidate?”

“No.”

Alex thought about her situation for a bit. She had inadvertently married Santa Claus, who thought he was getting some paragon of human womanhood. They were stuck with each other.

She pushed to her feet. “Might as well make the best of this. Christmas is in three days. And it wouldn’t be right without Santa.” She held out her hand to Kris. “Let’s go consummate.”