The Ex-Files by Dakota Cassidy

Madison Blake snorted at that, as she threw down her pen and her emotional journal. It was a stupid name for a stupid task.

Her therapist said she should keep a journal to help her get through this post-divorce depression. Maddie thought he was more cracked than she was with all of his fancy words and two-hundred dollar sessions. They spent much of their time together visualizing and using affirmative statements like “I will.”

“See yourself alone in the pictures of your mind, Maddie,” he would say in dulcet tones, stressing the alone thing.

Yeah, she saw herself all right, alone, in her rocking chair. With a dozen cats or so camping out around her feet while she shared a can of cat food with them.

Yum-yum.

Visualize that, you friggin’ whack-job. Maddie flopped back on the bed and sighed. A bed she now spent all of her nights alone in, thinking about how much more time she would spend alone in it. She missed just knowing at eleven sharp, Albert’s warm body would climb in beside hers. She ran a hand over the empty space and her heart clenched. In the same moment, anger burned in the pit of her belly.

Fucking asshole.

Why the hell should she spend a wasted moment on him? He’d dumped her like day old bread. Kicked her to the curb. He didn’t deserve her longing. But it hurt like hell just the same. All of the day-to-day routines were gone. Every last shred of normalcy yanked rudely out from under her. Nothing was the same, nothing. Albert was off joyfully finding his happy place in Nirvana while she struggled to understand what kind of underwear single girls wore these days.

Oh, she’d tried to find some sort of balance in this mess. She’d done all the things her friends told her would help her get back on her feet. She’d read all the books they’d thrust at her on divorce. Began counseling with Mr. Wing-nut, of the soothing tones and lame catch phrases. Found a cute bachelorette pad that was conveniently located in the heart of meat market row.

Now all she had to do was move on. Live her life like every day was the last. Maddie looked up at the spot on the ceiling. It needed to be painted. Maybe she should decorate. Corrine said that would make the space her own. She’d even brought paint chips for Maddie to choose colors from. They were gathering dust on her nightstand.

Thing was, she didn’t want her own space. She wanted to continue to share it with Albert. As pitiful as that was.

Well, you can’t do that anymore because he doesn’t want to share with you. He wants to share it with a bimbo or two… or three.

There it was again, the familiar tug at her heart over Albert’s betrayal. Over his incessant need to be the center of all things Albert.

Jesus, how happy could you be to see the person you heard farting all night long after ten years of marriage? Was she supposed to drop everything and hump his leg in overwhelming gratitude because he came home every night? Should she have thanked him profusely for gracing her with the duty of washing his crusty underwear? Maybe she should have gotten down on her knees and given him a blowjob while she stirred the pasta sauce, because he’d allowed her to make his dinner.

Maddie rolled over, grabbing a pillow and hugging it tightly to her chest. She was tired of trying to figure out where she’d gone wrong. If loyalty and faithfulness weren’t enough, fuck Albert.

Fucking.

Now, there was a word she feared might never enter her vocabulary again. She and Albert had enjoyed a decent enough sex life. She couldn’t remember seeing stars or anything, but she’d orgasmed a time or two in ten years. She’d given her fair share of head and Albert didn’t complain. But not even Albert had seen her completely naked in more than ten years. Only God saw her in the buff and that was the way it would stay. Didn’t single guys want to see single girls naked?

Screw that. No naked.

Maddie retrieved her pen and journal. Scribbling out the first entry, she made another.

Maddie threw the pen at the wall. The journal followed shortly thereafter. They clattered together and fell to the floor. She smiled with satisfaction at the noise it made, then frowned, worrying she might have awakened someone in the next apartment.

A tear trickled down her face as she remembered there wasn’t anyone here to awaken.

* * *

“Look, Corrine, I don’t want to go to parties. Just because THE ASSHOLE and I are divorced doesn’t mean I want to bar hop.” Corrine’s sigh crackled across the lines of Maddie’s cell phone. Maddie could see her twirling her long chestnut hair in aggravation. They’d only had this conversation a hundred times since she and Albert divorced.

“I’m not talking about bar-hopping, Maddie. I’m talking about getting the hell out of that damn apartment at night. Please. It’s a party, not an orgy, okay? I swear no one will ask you to get on your knees and perform wild acts of lasciviousness, all right? It’s just a function I have to attend and I thought it would be good for you to get out. So stop being such a pain in my ass and come with me.”

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to get out. It beat the hell out of watching the Home and Garden channel until her eyes refused to stay open and she crawled off to bed.

Alone.

Albert was probably out every night boinking anything that moved. What was she waiting for? She had to begin to live.

Or quit breathing.

Her choices were becoming limited.

“Fine. But I’m only staying for one drink and I’m not going to stand for you introducing me to ‘one of your clients,’ as you so tactfully dub them. They’re not clients, they’re looking to hook up. I don’t want to hook anything but a rug, okay?”

Corrine was fairly bubbling with joy. Maddie heard her rapid breathing as she spoke as calmly as she could while hovering on the brink of orgasm over Maddie finally giving in. “Oh, honey, I’m so glad you’re going to come with me and I promise, no ‘clients’.”

“What time and where?” Maddie’s tone was flat as she ran a hand over her hair in exasperation.

Corrine clucked at her. “Honey, could you sound just a wee bit excited? I’m not inviting you to your own hanging. It’s just drinks and liver pâté on a cracker.”

Says you.

To Maddie it was like going on a trip around the world. She hadn’t gone out socially in over six months. She went from her apartment, and to the office, occasionally making a stop at the grocery store to buy more coffee. She lived on coffee. As a result, she was a very skinny nervous wreck.

“Forgive me if I don’t offer you an ovary as a ‘thank you’ gift.” She heard the dryness of her tone, but she couldn’t seem to help it. She didn’t want to go anywhere but back to her house in the suburbs.

Silence. That meant Corrine was pouting.

Maddie blew a gust of air out and watched as the papers on her desk scattered. “I’m sorry, Corrine. I never would have made it past the suicide stage if it weren’t for you. I just can’t seem to feel motivated about anything. I want to, I do. I just don’t. I don’t care.”

“I know, believe me we all know you don’t care. But I do. I want you to begin to live again. I want you to see that you’re a beautiful thirty-five-year-old woman who has so much going for her. Your life doesn’t have to involve a man, but it has to involve something more than a carton of ice cream and the Home and Garden channel.”

Tears stung Maddie’s eyes in gratitude. Corrine had hung tough with her through this whole divorce thing. Long nights on the phone while Maddie sobbed over the loss of her marriage. Packing up and moving her to a new apartment. Holding her hand the day she’d gotten the divorce papers. She wasn’t being very grateful.

“I’m sorry, Corrine. I know I’ve been nothing but a big baby. I’ll try harder.” Contrite was always the best way to appease Corrine.

“Don’t appease me,” Corrine said with a sharp accent on the ‘S’ in appease. “I understand how you really feel. I just don’t want you to feel that way anymore.”

Maddie groaned into the phone. Did Corrine really think she wanted to feel this way? God, what she wouldn’t give to wake up one morning and not have that hollow, empty canyon of pain in the pit of her belly. To wake up minus the ache of loneliness that sucked her dry and left her shaking, when she realized it was just her in the bed. Wake up and find there was something to look forward to besides the big, black void of her future.

Maddie gulped. Albert was a lying, cheating puke, and she wasn’t going to waste another nanosecond mourning him.

Not right now, anyway.

Swiping at the escaping tears, she swallowed her grief. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore either, Corrine. So tell me when and where and I’ll be there with bells on.” Well, maybe not bells, but at least heels and a dress that wasn’t something Holly Hobby would wear.

Maddie jotted the details down and stuffed them in her purse. There was nothing left to do but go home and wait. Her stomach turned as she thought about going home to her quiet apartment. Maybe she’d get a cat… or two.

* * *

This was quite the event. Tuxedo clad waiters drifted silently in and out of the hushed groups of over-dressed executives. Champagne glasses clinked as trays of food were offered. Maddie watched the golden liquid swirl in her glass as she smiled and refused the crackers with brown, yucky stuff on them.

Liver pâté.

Ick.

Not a weenie in a blanket in sight.

Corrine waved her over to the group of colleagues she was deep in conversation with. Crossing the room, she hoped her heels didn’t buckle. She didn’t wear them much anymore and she certainly didn’t need to land flat on her ass. This wasn’t an ass landing party. Smoothing a hand over her black cocktail dress, she approached Corrine and her group of friends hesitantly.

Corrine gave her an air kiss and introduced her. “This is my good friend, Madison Blake. She sells real estate, so if you’re in the market for a new home, Maddie’s your girl.”

Well, at least she didn’t tell them she was newly single. She always felt desperate and naked when that particular tidbit was revealed. Maddie smiled and nodded at everyone, while Corrine finished her conversation with the really old guy who needed a nostril trim.

Maddie stifled a yawn while Corrine talked stock options. Her bladder began to protest all of the bubbly and lack of liver pâté.

She needed a bathroom and a cigarette.

Leaving Corrine, quietly so as not to be noticed ditching this shindig, she went off to locate the ladies room. Crossing the wide marbled lobby, she found the restrooms.

With her bladder empty, she needed a smoke. Digging through her purse, she searched for a pack of cigarettes. Damn, she’d left them at home. Upon further inspection, she found one lone cigarette, crumpled but still completely smokeable. She peeked around the corner of the bathroom door, only to find “no smoking” signs prominently displayed in every damn corner.

Well, shit. Going back outside was not an option. It was cold, and she’d left her jacket back with the coat check near Corrine’s little soiree. If Corrine caught sight of her, she’d haul her back to that damn party and make her eat liver pâté.

Ick.

Maddie made her way down the long carpeted corridor. Music blared from the other end of it. Her ears pricked to the tune of “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”

Oh, she loved this song! Upside inside out… She used to try to get Albert to dance with her to it.

Right, Albert is a fuck head. Ricky, on the other hand, is babe-o-licious. Sobering at that thought, she still found herself drawn to the beat of the music.

Twin oak doors with brass handles led to the party inside. Maddie hesitantly pulled on them and stuck her head inside.

Everyone was dressed in an animal costume, shimmying to the Latin beat of Ricky. They looked like the kind of costumes you’d see at a kid’s party. Where was Barney when you needed him? She was a little out of place.

Maddie sniffed the air. Smoke, she smelled smoke, glorious health threatening, death inducing smoke. Looking down at her dress, she figured she’d be pretty out of place without a costume, but the room was darkened and thick with the haze of cigarettes. If she just slipped in unnoticed, she could find a quiet corner to huddle in and light up.

A group of blue squirrels were clustered in a corner, rubbing up against one another.

Odd.

Alrighty, somebody’s had too much to drink…

Hookay, corner number two had a variety of species. A tiger, a squirrel, and a really cute fox. This must be the corner where species discrimination was not tolerated, so maybe they wouldn’t mind an uncostumed mammal joining them. Maddie spied an ashtray on the table next to them. She hunkered down and slid along the wall, making her way to the chairs scattered about.

Her hands shook as she lit up. Taking a deep drag, she glanced at her watch. Hell, it was almost eleven now. She’d miss the Home and Garden channel’s Makeover Madness marathon. Staring down at her feet, she noticed a run in her nylons.

Figured, she was hopelessly screwed, right down to her control top pantyhose.

Maddie jumped. A pair of big, fluffy feet stood parallel to hers. Her eyes traveled upward.

A big, fuzzy bunny. Cripes, he was tall.

But his whiskers were promising. Cute, very cute whiskers. His floppy ears swayed with the nod of his head as he motioned to the chair beside her. He looked like Thumper.

“Uh, hi. Do you mind if I sit down?” Thumper’s voice was muffled by the head of the costume. She could just make out what he said over the music and his bunny suit.

“Er, sure.” Maddie smiled at him, turning her attention to the middle of the dance floor where the electric slide had turned into some dirty dancing. Whoa, this was some kid’s party. She hoped he’d go away. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, let alone a big white bunny with a yellow bow tie. Where was the birthday boy or girl anyway?

“I’m Cole Ashton.”

She fought a groan. He wanted to make small talk.

Oy.

“Madison Blake, Maddie for short.” Now go away, scamper off to the forest and wreak havoc with Mr. McGregor’s lettuce.

“Are you a furry?”

Maddie frowned. A who? Was this like a personal question? Grabbing a sneak peek at her legs, she was relieved to find she’d shaved. She was decidedly not furry.

“Um, no, I don’t think so.”

“Ah, then what brings you here?”

Maddie held up her cigarette. “A smoke. You?” She cringed. Now she was encouraging him to engage in witty repartee she just didn’t have the mindset for.

Thumper/Cole shifted in his seat, tugging at the head of his costume. “Well… I…” He was struggling to form a coherent sentence. Jeez, maybe she should have sat with the squirrels, bet they were better conversationalists. “My friend talked me into it,” he said finally.

“Talked you into coming to a kid’s party?”

“This isn’t a children’s party.”

Maddie leaned into him. “What?”

“I said,” he shouted, “this isn’t a kid’s party.”

Halloween was long past and they were well on their way to Christmas.

“Then what is it?” Ooh, she could just slap herself. She just never knew when to shut up. Maddie didn’t want to talk to him, yet she was compelled to forge ahead anyway.

Cole sat forward, resting his forearms on his big, fuzzy thighs. “It’s called a furcon, or fur-swap… or… or something like that.”

Okay, she’d play the game with the nice bunny. He obviously wasn’t going away, and she didn’t want to go back to Corrine and her stuffy friends. “What’s a fur swap?”

Three or four costume-clad people sat at the opposite table scratching one another. Must be itchy in those damn things and hot.

“Um… look, I didn’t come here willingly. My friend talked me into it. He’s over there in the chipmunk costume.” Cole lifted a big paw, pointing in the direction of the far corner of the room.

Looked like Mr. Chipmunk was gettin’ a little muskrat love. He was pressed tightly up against another animal she couldn’t quite identify. Should one really behave this way at a party for a child?

Maddie sat up straight when Cole said, “I think they’re yiffing…”

Tilting her head, she looked Thumper in the eye, his big, glassy blue one. Could he see her? And what the hell was yiffing?

“Yiffing?”

“Look, do you think you could help me out of this damn headpiece, and I’ll explain. I can’t get the stupid thing off. My buddy said it’s some kind of erotic thing these people do. Now please help me get this off?”

The fuck she would. Erotic? These people?

The music had become a slow, sultry ballad. Squirrels and chipmunks and all the little forest creatures of the land were bumping and grinding.

Holy hedgehog hoedown! These people were hooking up!

Time to go.

Maddie rose from her chair quickly, before Thumper had the chance to say anything more, but he stopped her by standing up in front of her, blocking her exit. She stamped out her cigarette in the ashtray.

“Look, bunny man, I don’t know what the hell a fur… swap –” Maddie shook her head, “– meet is and I sure as crap don’t know what yiffing is all about, but I have a funny feeling it isn’t for this girl. So get out of my way, or I’ll call that big, bad wolf over here to kick your bunny ass.”

Cole chuckled. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I won’t hurt you. Cross my widdle bunny heart and hope to die. This place isn’t for me either. I just didn’t know it until I ran into you.”

Maddie couldn’t help it. She began to giggle. “So what’s the matter with you — you don’t like to yiff?”

His wide bunny shoulders shook with laughter. “Um, not dressed like this. Come with me and I’ll take you to my bunny hideaway. I have juicy carrots.”

Laughing again, Maddie figured it couldn’t hurt to follow him out of there, so she trailed a distance behind him. Picking her way through the throng of tigers and assorted wildlife, she scooted out the door.

Jesus, she really needed to give up smoking.